An ode to...

Hey, Rave. I truly hope this message finds you well. If not, I truly am sorry and I mean no disrespect in doing this. Thing is, it's been..... tough without you. Not to say that life is going bad or anything but I haven't taken too well to losing the best thing that ever happened to me. We really haven't spoken in months outside of me reaching out really quickly but I'd be lying if I said I haven't missed you every day in your absence.

Us splitting really put me in a space to do some real deep shadow work though. That while also helping lead my family to a better space and me embarking on my current journey of mind, body & spirit and you would consistently pop up. In reflections, in sermons, in therapy, in conversations, truly in general. I am reminded of you regularly and that's not also forced me to truly look inward and experience a serious ego death. I've lost, learned and gained a lot over the past few months but the one thing I am missing and I know I don't want to live without is you.

I'm only human and I know I make mistakes. But you learn from them and grow and become better through experience. Also as humans we sometimes become scared or nervous and that's something I don't want to rob me of losing out on the woman I love and don't want to go a day without. I love you more than anything and every time I pray for you I also pray that God brings you back into my life because Lord knows I need you in it.

I've written this letter and designed this site multiple times over. Draft over draft nervous, hoping it actually gets to you. Then hoping you even look at it or like it. But I couldn't let my fear or self-doubt or pride stop me. You are worth so much to me and I regret my mistakes and missteps a few times a day. I've truly become a yearner in this process of learning how to live without you. Though all the inner work I've done can "help" me cope with going on about life without you, I know deep inside that's not what I want and definitely not what I need. I need you. 

One of the biggest things that pops in my memory is how you told me in one of our last convos was how I needed to be more intentional with you. You also told me before that it wasn’t about the money. You are right about that and that's something I take full accountability for. I was selfish and inconsiderate in ways I didn't really realize at the moment. I also realize I was a lot more focused on trying to get my own stuff together than I felt in the moment.  I am deeply sorry and regretful about that. There was more I should've done but there is also more I can do and I want to do. With you. For you. This is something I know I only have felt for only you and I am not shy about that at all. I tried to show in my own ways (I love and miss buying you gifts and feeding you and simply helping you whenever and however I could) but I definitely understand how I really wasn't doing much of the little things really showing you in the ways you valued and desired.

Though I cannot erase the past, I am committed to improving in each and every aspect of my life, including love. I was sick not being able to get you something for Christmas or see you on New Year's or send you flowers on Valentine's Day. Wedding invites, trips, concerts- so many life experiences I’m doing solo and it only amplifies my how important you are to me and how much I desire to have you in my life. It sucks that I can’t see or talk to you when I miss you but I do hope that everything is ok on your side. It tears me up when I can't share the blessings God's given me too. I miss you so much. 

I am coming to you humbly with a heart full of love and a soul that yearns for you daily. I want us. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to earn your love back. Your softness. Your presence. Baby, I do not to care at all. I’m even down for us to go to couple's therapy and really get in there and do the work- I’ll pay. I really want and look forward to doing the work and growing even more. That’s all I’m on these days in all facets of my life. As I mentioned earlier, I'm not letting no fear or nervousness stop me from maximizing the experience of growing with the love of my life. I am committed to bringing you joy, making your life easier and showering you with love and affection and I pray for a day when I can show you with actions to match the words. I want to love on you and only you.

I've talked to God. I've talked to my therapist. I've talked to my parents and elders. I've talked to friends. I've talked countless hours with myself. I done read, wrote, reflected and even tried to "just get over it" my way out of it but, as the saying goes, "The heart wants what the heart wants" and my heart wants you. Life is life and it's a lot to be grateful for but I need you here living, experiencing, laughing, doing, learning, growing with me. I'll go and tell it on the mountain. If I could, I’d be outside your place with a boombox playing love songs hoping I could reach you. I don’t care about looking silly or being embarrassed or anything. Everything is worth it if I can get your love back. I miss you real bad and I still have a lot of the traits you love me for but I really have become a different man in a lot of ways. I'm just hoping you can find the kindness and openness in your heart to allow me to show you. If not, I understand as well. This was just on my chest to do and has been for a while. I want to be your man and you my lady and I’m not shy about that one bit. You are the prize and always worth the effort, time, attention and intention. 

 

Love…